Cooking Stuff #131

We were supposed to fly to Paris today.

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My BACKYARD dinner on June 17th was canceled (more on that below). July 22nd is on!! There are still spots open if you would like to join. August and September are sold out. Grab tickets, here.

We were supposed to fly to Paris today. The plan was to do a week with my parents and then head to Tel Aviv for a wedding. Last Tuesday only a few hours after finding out our cat, Chaz, had a diaphragmatic hernia we canceled our trip. After a year of on-and-off health issues, I was finally happy to have an answer and even better – a solution. The corrective surgery needed to be done by a specialist as soon as possible but would give him a normal life expectancy. The next morning, something wasn’t right. His breathing, which had been short due to his organs sitting in his chest, was a lot worse. I watched him huff and puff until he had a coughing fit similar to an asthma attack. I was supposed to head to the grocery store to start preparing for my first BACKYARD dinner but instead, I threw him in his carrier and headed to the emergency room.

After receiving instructions from our normal vet to head to the ER, I started to sob. At first, it was a flush of panic and realization that this was a pretty big issue. Then the tears changed to fear and rejection. I cried because I didn’t want a sick cat and I certainly didn’t want to deal with a real emergency. I cried for a few minutes because I was alone. Of course, Marco went into the office that day and I didn’t want to have to do this by myself. My final cry that morning was when I scooped him up and held him knowing that he had no clue what was coming. I snapped a picture of him laying peacefully on the bed just in case that would have been his last.

When I called the emergency hospital to add him to the triage list I was told there was a four-hour wait but when we arrived they took him back almost immediately. So fast that Marco, who was right behind me coming from the office, missed him. We spent the afternoon sitting on pleather chairs, eating stale candy, and watching live-action Pinocchio in a waiting room filled with the musty smell of dog. After taking out a hefty line of CareCredit we headed home and Chaz went into surgery.

Too soon after we arrived home my phone rang. “I stepped out of surgery to call you” is never what you want to hear. To everyone’s (head of ER, two surgeons, ultrasound tech, and another specialist) surprise, Chaz did not have a hernia and his organs were right where they were supposed to be. So what was in his chest? They didn’t exactly know but she made sure to prepare us for the worst. Cue more sobbing.

I had been churning basil ice cream when the phone rang. The base was made the previous day when my dinner was still on. I figured even though the dinner was canceled, I should still churn it and enjoy it with friends another time. After we hung up, we cried together trying to get it out of the machine. Marco holding the deli container and me scooping with a spatula. It ended up dripping on the counter, floor, and all over my hands. We didn’t care. It’s been over a week and I haven’t been able to take a bite of it.

That Wednesday night our world stopped. All of our exciting life plans have been canceled and the grief has started. We have puttered around the house working on projects during the day to distract us and at night we retreat into our own individual routines of resting in separate rooms and TV escape. Before we even brought him home I tried to jump straight to accepting that we had a dying cat. I cried at every thought I had, good or bad. I researched cancer treatments, joined a dead pet group on Facebook, and looked up at home euthanasia. Because of my past experience with sudden death, I try to prepare myself for the worst so I won’t have to feel caught off guard.

By now I expected to have a diagnosis so I would know if he was dying now or dying later but things are still up in the air. His tests are giving conflicting results. A plus B should equal C but things are not adding up. The oncologist sent his biopsy to the pet cancer panel to have them review it for an additional, and final, opinion. We are stuck in the thick heavy fog of the unknown. Teetering between enjoying the cat that is here recovering and dreading the inevitable future. I knew this day would come for all four of our pets but I didn’t expect to be dealing with it so soon, especially not this year.

It was around 11 AM when I loaded Chaz up to go to the ER and before I walked out the door I realized I hadn’t eaten anything yet. I knew the hunger would come eventually and I plunged my hand into a bag of original Goldfish sitting in front of me on the counter. I bought the bag on Monday at Ralphs with my mom. I don’t know why but I saw it on the shelf and had a nostalgic calling. She was surprised I put it in the cart too. In times of stress, I turn to food as comfort. Sometimes it can be mindless snacking as a distraction but also by making a meal that soothes the soul. But when things are really bad, I forget to eat. This bag of Goldfish kept me going for a few days. When hours would pass and the hunger would finally hit me, Goldfish were all I could stomach. When I went to Target to get a litter pan for the pop-up infirmary (aka our walk-in shower) I got two more bags. This time parmesan and pretzel.

After a few days of exclusively eating Goldfish, I forced myself to cook something. Before going to Whole Foods, I wandered the aisles of Petco getting a hodgepodge of cat food cans hoping Chaz would find interest in something. To procrastinate going back to the reality of my life I watched the fish. A nostalgic activity of my childhood. While gazing into the rainbow tetra tank, the sadness really sunk in and I needed pasta.

You know how many lasagnas I have made for people going through death? A fuck ton. You know why? Everyone likes lasagna. It can sit in your fridge for days waiting for you to heat it up and still be tasty. There is mild acidity and sweet flavor from the tomato sauce but not too much to overwhelm you in your delicate state. The noodles are soft and you don’t have to fight them while you chew. The creamy cheese hugs the noodles the same way your mom wraps her arms around you. Lasagna feels good when you feel bad.

I was too lazy to assemble lasagna so I made a baked rigatoni. Same shit, different noodle. I actually made two full-size baked pastas. One gluten and cow-dairy free for Marco and one loaded with full-fat ricotta, mozzarella, and gluten noodles for me. They sustained us for many days and then I made a chicken pot pie which sustained us for another few days. Talk about another classic hug in a pan.

We have vowed to get back to some normalcy this weekend. I feel silly writing about how much this has affected me and have tried to remind myself that he is just a cat. Chaz is the first cat we irresponsibly adopted at 21, he made us a family. For the last nine years, he has woken me up every single day by laying on my chest. Siamese cats bond hard with one person and I am very clearly his person. He’s my other lover, my child, and my soul mate – he will never be just a cat. I’m trying not to grieve him while he’s still here but I am grieving the long life we are supposed to have together.

If you need a comfort dish…

#38: Baked Rigatoni

If you have juicy cherry tomatoes at your farmers market…

#63: Roasted Cherry Tomato Pasta

• This Is Wine Right Now – An awesome interactive article about the wine world right now.

• Indoor or outdoor dining? I live in L.A. I choose truck – I grew up eating in the car parked in the parking lot of busy restaurants with my dad and my mom always had a snack pouch in the back seat. French fries must be eaten in the car on the way home or else you miss out on peak crispiness. Is this an LA thing? It hits home with me for sure.

• Lean In or Log Off? – Read this article! I have watched Cloudy Kitchen give sas to hateful comments and love it for entertainment but I hate to see the comments people leave. I’m telling ya, I have a love hate relationship with the internet.

Never Have I Ever – This cheesy high school sitcom soothes the soul and is actually pretty good. It became my distraction show during all of life's craziness and I binged season four in just a few nights.

NASCAR Spritz

• Open a Miller Highlife and take a big sip

• Pour in a splash (about 1 oz) of Aperol

• Enjoy a NASCAR Spritz

(It’s surprisingly good)

Lingua Franca – I don’t have bad things to say about Lingua Franca but I don’t have great things to report either. The best part is that you get to eat right on the LA River bike path. The food was fine but really nothing to rave about. Everyone talks about their burger but in a city with a million great burgers, it fell short.

All of us agreed we would go back but not for the food. It’s a really cute place to meet friends and the evening was lovely.

Mudra Jumpsuit from Vuori – After a yoga class I asked a woman where her cute pants were from when she told me she was wearing a JUMPSUIT. I live in jumpsuits and had to have it. This jumpsuit is not only cute (I was planning to wear it all over Europe) but super comfy and it stays in place. I can report with confidence that your boobs will not fall out in yoga. I wish it came in more colors because I would wear it every day.

Lola and Chaz have been together their whole lives and since bringing him home, Lola has spent most of the time in the shower next to him. 🤍

Summer Salad Chart