Every month I have an existential crisis. For about four days I have a hard time getting excited about work, I repeatedly ask myself the same questions, and I create a narrative of doom in my head.
What should I do with my life? I’m not good at what I do. No one wants to read my newsletters. Don’t post that photo, it doesn’t look good. Is there even a point to all of this? What makes me happy? How long can I keep this up? I wish I was a cat, not a human. Does this even taste good? Who am I to tell people how to cook?
Like clockwork, a few days later all these thoughts dissipate and I am excited about working again. Without giving it any thought I resume the usual cycle of my internet and real-life tasks. Cooking feels fun, new creations are exciting, and I am eager to share everything once again but I don’t feel that excitement without feeling down first.
During my six-week break from The Kitchen Club, I had a long list of business-related tasks to get done. I took a class on growth marketing strategy, reviewed a brand & content strategy workshop, updated the recipe section of my website, rearranged my Amazon Storefront, brainstormed new recipes and planned through December, and most importantly started cooking in my new kitchen. The one thing I didn’t do was “figure out my life.”
That’s (obviously) a multi-layered and very complicated thing to figure out, but I did write it down on my to-do list. I wanted to take these few weeks to myself, after shaking up my life completely, and pop out on the other side with a clear plan for life. Now entering the last week of my “break” it is obvious that that box will not get checked.
This week I officially started working again. With my nontraditional job, I am always sort of working but it was time for me to really buckle down. I bought a planner the weekend before, planned out my week in great detail, and Tuesday I completed every task I had written down for the day. Test and shoot photos for Mushroom Bowls, edit and post an Instagram Reel on how to cut a pomegranate, make Spiced Snickers and test the bake time, shoot a Techniques To know video on how to make rice, and finally test and shoot photos for Summer Chili. So I went to bed feeling accomplished but woke up Wednesday questioning everything again.
In the virtual growth marketing class, they focused a lot on the thing that holds most people back from doing what they want – fear. Every attendee agreed they were fearful of something pertaining to their business but most fears didn’t even have to do with the actual business. Instead, the fear was of what Katie from high school would think of them, or that there was someone else doing a better job than them, or what if they only make it to X and not Z.
I share all of these fears and more. In fact, I was filled with so much fear that I didn’t even share during the class, I just quietly listened and observed others, ha.
I took away one or two useful business tips from the class but the most useful thing I took away was that I need to get out of my way. My monthly existential crisis is me focusing on all the things that scare me and I have started to focus on them more and more over the last few months. Convincing myself not to post the things I cook because “no one wants to see it” because “it’s not even that good.” No one has actually said that to me besides me.
So I don’t have my life figured out, and I won’t by the end of next week, but I have figured out three things:
I am happier here. I knew (we all knew) this would be the case. I won’t list all the reasons why because you have heard me ramble about them before but I currently feel happiness even through the obstacles.
I am proud of my newsletter, recipe development, and the community I have built. My immediate goal is to continue to put my energy into it, stop living in my fears, and continue to grow.
I think I need to cook and get my food in front of people again. I love teaching others how to make a dish but I miss making the dishes for people. My long-term goal is to start hosting supper clubs – curated events centered around seasonal meals. I have talked about them for years, and now I want to make them happen.
Next Sunday we are going on vacation. I struggled with sharing this because I am aware of the extreme privilege I have to take a two-week vacation right after moving into a new house but this was planned before we decided to move. I considered canceling it because of how chaotic our life is while we try to get settled. Marco insisted we go and now I am really glad he did. The exhaustion of everything is starting to seep through the excitement and gratitude. I feel like I could sleep for a month straight and I might explode if I have to deal with one more customer service representative.
Anyways, while we are gone The Kitchen Club is coming back Wednesday, September 21st. I have recipes ready to go and I don’t want to wait until October, so we are getting this ball rolling!
That is the day after my birthday (if you were wondering) and I will be delaying my usual project of making my own cake until we get back. Instead, you’ll see Summer Chili and Mushroom Bowl recipes. Then Spiced Snickers to kick off October. In the blink of an eye, we will be in Thanksgiving mode which I have had planned since last year!
“Figure out my life” will remain unchecked and for now, I’m just excited to share the things I am working on with you. I’ll let life fall into place however it is supposed to.
What It’s Like Inside a ‘Dark’ Dinner *Blindfolded while you eat!
Stone Fruits Shake Up the Smoothie Blahs - Peach Chia Breakfast Shake
Oven Dried Tomatoes *Something you should make now!
If you need a good laugh…
Equally creeped out and intrigued. Also to the four people that sent me this video this week, I love you, and thank you for knowing the weird things that I like.
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Friday night we picked up sushi from Ichijiku which was fine. Nothing negative nor overly positive to say about it. We were still hungry so we made a trip to Goldburger for fries and a cookie. Curly fries for me, normal fries for Marco. 10/10 fries and I’ll be back for a burger but I’ll skip the overly gooey underbaked cookie next time.
This is a very niche suggestion BUT if you are replacing your bed and you have the option for an adjustable bed frame you 100000% need one! We purchased one with our Purple mattress and it has changed the game. Positioning ourselves up for reading or watching TV is saving our necks but even better is elevating our feet at the end of the day. We will never go back…
I didn’t forget about our little office update but I am waiting until they finish next week to share photos and details. Talk to you then, Xx M
Sigh!!!
I definitely want to see your work and it definitely is that good. I believe in you and your immense talent! 😊